Book Review: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

From Goodreads:An awe-inspiring, often hilarious, and unerringly honest story of one mother's exercise in extreme parenting, revealing the rewards-and the costs-of raising her children the Chinese way.
All decent parents want to do what's best for their children. What "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" reveals is that the Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that. Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions and providing a nurturing environment. The Chinese believe that the best way to protect your children is by preparing them for the future and arming them with skills, strong work habits, and inner confidence. "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" chronicles Chua's iron-willed decision to raise her daughters, Sophia and Lulu, her way-the Chinese way-and the remarkable results her choice inspires.
Here are some things Amy Chua would never allow her daughters to do:
? have a playdate
? be in a school play
? complain about not being in a school play
? not be the #1 student in every subject except gym and drama
? play any instrument other than the piano or violin
? not play the piano or violin
The truth is Lulu and Sophia would never have had time for a playdate. They were too busy practicing their instruments (two to three hours a day and double sessions on the weekend) and perfecting their Mandarin.
Of course no one is perfect, including Chua herself. Witness this scene:
"According to Sophia, here are three things I actually said to her at the piano as I supervised her practicing:
1. Oh my God, you're just getting worse and worse.
2. I'm going to count to three, then I want musicality.
3. If the next time's not PERFECT, I'm going to take all your stuffed animals and burn them!"
But Chua demands as much of herself as she does of her daughters. And in her sacrifices-the exacting attention spent studying her daughters' performances, the office hours lost shuttling the girls to lessons-the depth of her love for her children becomes clear. "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" is an eye-opening exploration of the differences in Eastern and Western parenting- and the lessons parents and children everywhere teach one another.
Thoughts: BHOTTM is one of those books I'd heard about but wasn't sure if I wanted to read it. I knew it had the potential to make me angry - throw the book across the room angry - but as I was shelf checking at work one day, I came across it, pulled it off and read the first couple of pages - and then borrowed it.
BHOTTM is a  bit like a train wreck, you want to stop looking but you can't. For me there was a lot of head shaking, incredulous laughing and just plain astonishment. Tiger mother parenting is a lot different from my brand of parenting.
But here's the thing, Amy Chua truly believed she was doing the best for her child. She admits her methods were extreme, but for her, that was what she believed was best. Part of me has to admire a woman who can continually go head to head with a child who clearly does not want to do what she is being made to do. Another part has to admire a woman who keeps going despite all those around her questioning and doubting her methods. I also admire her no apology approach to writing this book. She is not looking for the readers acceptance or validation, she is simply relaying what she did as a parent and her reasons for it. If you don't agree with it, fine, but don't expect her to agree with you either. As to the long lasting effects of her parenting methods on her kids - who knows. None of us know how our parenting will affect our kids until it's too late to undo any supposed damage we do. For me, where I think Chua goes wrong is in thinking what works for one child will work for the other.
So I don't agree with Chua's parenting model, but I don't doubt she loves her kids and did what she considered best for them. What really got my back up in this book is her belief that she is right and her method is the only way. I may have been reading it wrong, but what came across to me was that by not raising my child the "Chinese" way I am guaranteeing my child will not be as happy or successful as her children. My children will be incapable of reaching their full potential because I do believe it's important they have sleepovers, watch TV, play computer games, choose their own extra curricular activities. I don't believe the world ends because they don't get an A or play a musical instrument.
Does Chua love her kids? Yes. Did she do what she believes is best? Yes Are any of us the perfect parent? No. Is her way the only way to raise successful kids? No. Should you read this book? Hmmm, hard to say. If you do, be prepared to be challenged , frustrated and angry.

Men and Children

There's something not nice in society at the moment. Something I really, really dislike. It's the immediate suspicion placed on any man, in any public space, without a woman, but with a child. Obviously he must be a paedophile.

In the past week I have read two different articles - one Australian and one American - about this phenomenon, with two very different reactions.

The first was posted on the Australian website Mama Mia and was titled She Thought I was Abducting My Own Child. Basically the author, Mike McLeish was with his daughter when the following happened.

I walk outside and go and squat beside my daughter who is still gawking at the yoga women, her nose squished against the glass. I tell her we have to go now. She asks if we can go to the park. I tell her that we’ll have to wait until it stops raining. She’s happy with that. So I proffer my hand, she takes it and we wander happily back to the car. We are just arriving at the car when I hear a female voice behind us, “Sweetie. Sweetie?”
I recognise the voice, although the slight quiver in it sounds odd.
I turn around to see a woman I recognise as the yoga instructor approaching us. She looks concerned. She is not looking at me at all. She is bending down and trying to get my daughter’s attention. “Sweetie, where’s your Mum? Where’s Mummy, sweetie?
I adopt my friendliest smile, “Oh, it’s ok. I’m her dad.”
By this stage I am helping my daughter into the car. The yoga instructor ignores me completely. She is wringing her hands and trying to manoeuvre herself between me and the car door. She speaks again to my daughter, this time with more urgency and insistence, her voice starting to crack, “Princess. Where’s mummy? Where’s your mummy, sweetie?”

Eventually he manages to convince her that it's OK, he is her dad and off he goes. And in thinking about it, he is actually OK with what happened.

I can’t presume to know what motivated that yoga instructor to do what she did. Maybe her actions were fuelled by paranoia. Maybe she’s been convinced to believe that a man on his own taking a little girl’s hand has as much chance of being a paedophile as he does of being her father. Maybe it was just blind instinct. I don’t know. I don’t care. I choose to stand and applaud her, because I believe what she chose to do was the right thing; was good.

This man must be ok, there is a woman with him. Source

 At the time I agreed, although I was unsettled. I know how offended my own husband would be. I know how pissed off he gets with the looks he gets if he is alone with our daughter. But surely we are better off being safe than sorry, right?

Then I read another article over on Free Range Kids. The title of this one was a lot more provocative. Thanks For Assuming I’m a Pedophile Just Because I Was Out with My Grandson. In this American situation a gentleman was at a water park with his grandson when this happened.

You may remember seeing me at Kidsview water park Sept. 22. I brought my grandson to play in the water. For some reason you profiled me as a child predator and called the cops. I read in the police report you told them I parked in the “bushes.” There are no bushes in the area of the splash pad. You also accused me, according to the report, of acting “suspiciously” with the children. Lie No. 2. The only person I interacted with in any way was my grandson. That’s it.

The full text of the letter the man wrote can be found here.

Truth be told, I did find this situation a little more disturbing. I mean, they called the police - on a suspicion. I accept that American culture is vastly different from Australian, but still - the police. And four police officers turned up...overkill I feel.

This situation should obviously be viewed with suspicion. Source

But both situations highlight a disturbing trend - men are apparently not to be trusted alone with children. As women we are offended when we are treated differently because of our gender. Men have every right to be offended because they are treated differently of their gender - which is what is happening to these men. If you are going to question a man at the park alone with a child, question a woman alone with a child. We cannot as a society complain about men being disconnected from their children when we make it so hard, so uncomfortable for them to be out in public with their children. Instead of viewing a man at the park with a child suspiciously, do what you would do to a woman at the park - smile, strike up a conversation, make him feel comfortable and welcome. Who knows, you may just make a new friend!

And before you hit comments to tell me it's better to be safe than sorry, consider this passage from Lenore Skenazy's book Free Range Kids

 But there are two more reasons why all this good news may not be at all reassuring to you:

1. It's lovely that abductions are down. But what if that 1 in 1.5 million is YOUR KID?

2. It's lovely that abductions are down. But what if that 1 in 1.5 million is MY KID?

That's how everyone thinks - including me. And I've been thinking that way even more, ever since the world decided to weigh in on whether or not I was irresponsible jerk to let my nine year-old ride the subway alone. Usually after I replied to my detractors by rattling off all my safety stats, the person would probe, "But what if that one was your kid? followed by, "How would you ever forgive yourself?"
Answer: I wouldn't
Of course I wouldn't! But what was so upsetting about these questions was the notion behind them: that I'd deliberately put my son in harm's way - and didn't give a hoot - when actually I was allowing him to do something that was extremely safe. And confidence building and competence building too.
Then one day I got an e-mail...It suggested that from now on, whenever anyone asks, "How could you possibly let your child get around on his own? Wouldn't you feel terrible if something happened?" you respond "How could you possibly let your kids get in the car with you? Wouldn't you feel awful if they were in a crash? 
After all a child is forty times more likely to die as a passenger in a car crash than to be kidnapped and murdered by a stranger.
..."How could you possibly make you kids stay inside after school instead of letting the wander on their own. Wouldn't you fell awful if they were burned to a crisp" After all, there are about 50 children killed by kidnappers each year, but ten times that number are killed by fires at home.
"How could you possibly let you kids visit a relative?" After all, they are eighty or ninety times more likely to be molested by someone they know than..
- pages 183/4